New Beginnings

Hey, guys.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? If you would like to check it out, I’ve got a new blog up and running. It’s relatively new and I would love comments, suggestions, and input. I’ve always been rusty at these things and as you’ve noticed, I am a chronic “new blog” started. Similar to how some people revamp wardrobes or get new haircuts when going through a big change, I ball up my blog, toss it in the wastebasket, and start from scratch. This is one habit I am trying very hard to stop. Hopefully, this blog will be consistent and I’d love for you to keep me company on the trip.

NEW BLOG: http://www.valeriewidmaier.wordpress.com

Different Person

Hey, guys.

I know it’s been quite some time since I wrote on this blog. I’ve been going through a lot of personal stuff and I needed time away. In that time, I’ve learned a lot of new things about myself, who I want to be. And as I read through my old posts on this blog, I felt a strange detachment. I didn’t feel like the same person.

I am different person and I need that to be reflected in my work, in my writing. So if it’s simply curiosity, a fondness for my writing, or just wanting to keep following the same person, I would love for you to drop by my new blog. Be warned, it’s fairly new and quite empty but I promise to fill it to the brim with all my little passions.

Thank you!

 

New blog here.

I’ll be okay

I thought I lost you. I thought I had pushed you past your breaking point, made you hate me. I know I am hard to deal with. I know how tiring and frustrating it can be to not understand how or why I feel the way I do.

I am as erratic as the weather. I can be a still summer day and I can be a hurricane. I feel things where some do not feel anything at all. I feel far too much. I worry about the past, the present, and the future. I am indecisive and oftentimes, irrational. I think with my heart and too often, I let my emotions get the best of me. My good days can be absolutely wonderful but my bad days can be terrible. There is so much I am still trying to figure out for myself like where I want to go, what I want to do, who I want to be.

I am a work in progress but I am no one’s project. I do not need anyone to fix me. I am going to be okay. I am trying to be better. All I can do is try. I need that to be enough and for you, andΒ it is.

Thank you.

Conversation

“Though you may not know where you’re gonna end up, or who you will be, you know who you are right at this moment”

“Yeah”

‘I dunno. It feels like you never let yourself, well, like yourself. Like you build a house but you’re not comfortable with it, but you keep it as is and wonder why you aren’t happy. You don’t renovate or expand because you don’t think you should even though there isn’t anyone else stopping you. But maybe I’m wrong. I hope I am because that won’t make you happy”

“You’re not entirely wrong”

“So like yourself. You can’t wish someone well if you don’t like them. So you’re unsure and you feel pressured to have a direction. You can’t give what you don’t have. But since you seem to want to give something, then try to make something to give”

“…”

“If you believe in yourself, then no matter what, at least one person has faith in you”

“You’re right. As per usual”

“…Be strong. Be bold. Most of all, be true.”

“I will do my best”

“One can do no more”

“Okay, here’s the thing. Yes, it’s okay to not know things, and it’s normal to make mistakes. But people seem to forget that you only accept weakness to overcome it. They were quick with words of soothing and well-wishing, but not really any encouragement to move forward. It’s okay to be a work in progress, but make sure you progress towards a finished product. Don’t stop at the comma.”

(A conversation with my friend, Renard, on Friday, July 18, at 10PM)

First Date

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months now. In that time, we have had kisses, arguments, sleepovers, cooking experiments, movie marathons, video game days, road trips, flight delays and cancellations, meets ups with the family, midnight calls, drunken nights, and even early morning sobbing. But after 10 months, I realized we had never gone on a formal date.

Yesterday, we finally made it happen. Wine, steak, French onion soup, mango crepe, fairy lights, jazz music, an excuse to dress up, and enough smiling to make my cheeks sore.

Continue reading

Beyond Distance

“Write her a letter, send her a flower, love only gets old if you let it”
β€” William Chapman

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He is moving to San Francisco in August.
I am moving to Chicago in October.

To be completely honest, I am terrified. I am so scared that the distance is going to hurt what we have. I worry that he will stop calling, that he will forget. I know it is silly but I cannot help but get a lump in my throat when I think about it.

We will be celebrating our anniversary from different countries. He will be in the US and I will be in the Philippines. We will spend birthdays, Christmas, New Year, anniversaries…all these big occasions apart. He will have school to worry about. I will have work. He will be adjusting to San Francisco. I will be adjusting to Chicago.

We will be miles apart.
A four hour flight.
A day and a half drive.

How does one prepare for a long distance relationship?

How does one prepare for the goodbye at the airport? For the cracking of my voice as I try to hide how much I miss him? For the first teary Skype chat? For the big occasions spent apart? For the days waking up without him beside me? For only seeing him once every few months for just a few days? For the painful days when words will have to be enough?

Maybe we will just cross the bridge when we get there.
Maybe there is no way to prepare.